Thursday, September 24, 2009

Does Mick Jagger Watch Daytime Telvision?

Today is hopefully the last day I sit at home and watch daytime television for more than about five minutos – sorry, I mean “minutes, there's a couple of guys talking Spanish here at Starbucks and they have me speaking it.

Anyway I sat around the house for just a few minutes this morning trying to find out what's going on in the world and I was bombarded with nonsense – and no, I'm not even talking about Tool Academy 2. I'm talking about the freaking commercials.

Who is normally sitting at home and watching this hodge-podge of commercials on television? I didn't find myself needing anything that these commercials had to offer. And that's weird for me.

Usually I can at least find one or two things being advertised during my “stories” each night when I watch. I always find myself needing a new car or to update my Internet service or maybe try one of those Miller High Life's because that Miller High Life dude is funny. Really funny.

But the Miller High Life guy isn't on during the day. There aren't any new car commercials on during the day. And the Internet service providers all seem to be hiding away, bidding their time until the sun goes down and prime time starts up.

Now, I'm not a stranger to daytime television. I've seen the daytime commercials before. I wanted to call Jim Adler “The Tough, Smart Lawyer.” I wanted to call ITT Tech and invest in a career in information technology or criminal justice. I've almost ordered insurance from Standard Insurance for “pennies a day.” But the commercials today are just different. Way different.

Let me give you a quick rundown of a few of the more wacky commercials I saw during my one hour of television time today:

Arm & Hammer Toothpaste – Okay, if this stuff was really good, they would advertise at night, sandwiched between the new Lexus and the iPhone. But no, they are advertising during the morning, when the only people who are watching are people who don't brush their teeth at all. The tag line for Arm & Hammer Toothpaste is: “You're grandma was right.” Right about what? About brushing your teeth from a box of refrigerator deodorant?

Nasonex – I swear if you watch enough daytime television, if you don't already, you will have some type of illness before the day is over. I wanted to call my doctor just to keep her on standby in case I came down with a case of the sniffles, the flu, COPD, or genital warts. You know, just in case. Nasonex is the cute little sinus medication that has the little animated bee flying around with the voice of Antonio Banderas, as if to say, “squirt some Nasonex up your nose and you'll get rid of that annoying Spanish-speaking bee that's causing all the pollen in the air.”

Drug Addiction Book – There's a book written by some guy that guarantees the end to drug addiction for “you or your loved ones.” I should have written that book too. As a matter of fact I still might. I quit a lot of things in life – high school, college, jobs, fantasy football leagues and blogging. I should be a world-renown expert in how to quit. I actually started writing the book, but, as you can probably guess, I quit.

Edible arrangements – Now this is something I can get behind. The company sells fruit in the shape of flowers. I mean come on. That's a great idea. Now they even dip some of the delicious fruit in chocolate. Please get me a dozen cantaloupe and strawberries “daisies” and send them to me know. Don't worry about putting them in water, I have a big bowl of chocolate at home waiting on those bad boys.

Zestra – This may be the most scary of all commercials. Zestra, it seems, is a new drug – possibly a cream or ointment – that helps improve, I swear to Vishnu, sexual satisfaction in women. Stop laughing. It's a serious problem according to both of the women on the commercial. It wasn't until they creamed-up with Zestra that they were once again able to enjoy sexual satisfaction like Mick Jagger on the American Tour 1981. Not sure how good this product is, but the two women on the commercial swear by it.

Cash4Gold – Raise your hand if you have a broken piece of jewelry or some unwanted gold lying around the house. Just send it in to these guys for cash (not much) in hand (not yours). What they don't say is that gold is worth $1,000 an ounce. That's $1,000 an ounce. That number once again is $1,000 an ounce. Don't send it to Cash4Gold.

E Harmony – Have you made your list of 29 dimensions of compatibility with your future spouse? If not, have e Harmony fill it out for you. Maybe you too can get hooked up with some dude named “The Falconer” or, better yet, some dude named “Your brother.” Why can't people find their mate in the produce section of Kroger's like the rest of us? Try the avocados.

Bowflex – not the original Bowflex mind you. This is the new Bowflex stairmaster or some such. It's some kind of great way to get you in shape. The problem is, it doesn't have a “bow” and it doesn't “flex.” You see, the original Bowflex, bent and flexed like a bow while you worked out to be “42 years old and in the best shape of your life.” Now you don't even have that tie in. Good luck with all of that.

So basically, according to the commercials airing, those who sit around and watch daytime television are teeth-decaying-grandma-believing-snotty-nose-sniffling-drug-addled-flower-fruit-eating-can't-get-no-satisfaction-singing-too-much-extra-gold-having-no-boyfriend-attracting-bowflex-misunderstanding woman.

But that's just I guess.

It could be just lazy guys who don't have anything better to do than watch Tool Academy 2 and dream about a degree from ITT Tech.

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