In Perspective -- Some Good Television Programming
By Rodney Hays
It's an exciting time to be alive. A big election coming in November could change the make-up of Congress as well as talk radio and it's time for a new series of fall television shows. Both of them life-changing events.
But today I want to focus on what I call a gross miscarriage of justice. After many attempts to contact producers in Hollywood, Bollywood and some place called Sri Lanka, I am now taking to pleading my case before millions -- quite possibly hundreds of millions -- of readers of this column.
I have several ideas for great television and nobody seems to want to talk to me about it, let alone produce one of my shows.
Not only did I not get to talk to a producer, one producer's assistant even told me, and I quote, "As I said before, we deliver pizza, not produce television shows."
How rude.
Anyway, I thought I would share some of my better ideas for television this fall and see what you think, dear reader. Maybe we can get a grass roots effort going and tell those fat cats in Hollywood what we think about not hearing from Middle America about what we want to see on television (i.e. more girls in bikinis and Ryan Seacrest fully clothed).
So, without further adieu, let me present my ideas.
1. "It's a Dog's Life" -- This show will feature Tinkerbell, the tiny chihuahua belonging to none other than Paris Hilton.
This will be a reality show based on Tinkerbell's life and what it takes to make it as a pet of a Red Carpet Star.
The first episode will open with Tinkerbell in the waiting room of the jail in Las Vegas as he or she waits for Paris to make bail after her most recent arrest for drug use.
"Does Tinkerbell want a widdle snack?" will be the opening lines from Sgt. Wilmer Hutchins of the Las Vegas Police Department. "Does he or she need a widdle bite to eat?"
Tinkerbell will answer by growling and barking and snapping at the finger of Sgt. Hutchins.
The viewer will also travel along as Paris makes her way across the country making $25,000 for each red-carpet appearance. We will also get to see Tinkerbell and Paris shop for new shoes and a $1,500 designer t-shirt for Tinkerbell that reads: "My Life is Ruff."
In the season-ending cliffhanger, we will find out if a series of rabies shots will save Tinkerbell after being attacked by a rabid Lindsay Lohan.
2. "Something's Afoot" --This wonderful television program will be a reality show based on the life of a podiatrist.
Each week Dr. Ray Forkitover will walk the viewers through what it's like to become a foot specialist and diagnose feet ailments and deformities.
Week One will start out with Dr. Forkitover examining the foot of a 83-year-old man with what can only medically be described as "foot nastiness." The good doctor will take a small garden implement to the nastiness of the foot and expel it from the foot. He will then dine on Salisbury steak in the hospital cafeteria.
For the third episode, the doctor will make a house call to rural Indiana where he will try to excise a demon from a man's right great toe. The great toe has become inflamed from what can only be described as "tight Birkenstocks." The toe scares everyone when it begins to talk in broken English and threatens to destroy everything that is holy unless someone can bring Simon Cowell back to American Idol.
In the season's final episode, it will be a matter of life and death when Dr. Forkitover tries to save the life of a pinky toe that has been damaged after kicking a giant toy Tonka Front-End Loader, left out by a 3-year-old.
The doctor will have to decide which is more important: The damaged pinky toe or his teenage daughter's dangerous experimentation with Justin Bieber music.
3. "How to Sleep In Church" -- This will be a side-splitting comedy on C-SPAN. It will show the inner workings of Congress.
In the season premiere, a Congressional sub-committee will grill the founder of Craig's List about his "adult services" portion of the popular website.
"How could you put together such filth and call yourself an American, Sir:?" the Congressman from Rhode Island will ask.
"I didn't know that Rhode Island had congressman," Craig's List will respond.
"By the way, how do you create one of those 'adult services' ads?" one of the Congressman will ask.
"I'm only asking because my constituents want to know, not because it sounds like a great way to meet chicks."
4. "Bikini Girl Goes to Law School" -- The premise of this wonderful comedy is about a girl who wears a bikini every day to law school. After graduating at the top of her class, she will get a job prosecuting high-profile criminal cases in Miami, where she will sometimes wear a sarong. But mostly a bikini.
Each week she will request a change of venue to "the beach."
I think that's a show everyone would watch.
So help me get the word out on these wonderful television shows.
And can someone give me the name of a good podiatrist? I have a terrible case of foot nastiness.
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