Friday, April 20, 2012

Is Your Testosterone Too Low?

Is your testosterone level too low?

That's a question that just got presented to me. Not by a live human, of course, but a recorded human — I assume —  coming through the miracle of the radio.

Is your testosterone level too low? I honestly don't know. I never really thought about it.

Evidently, there's a place, I know now, where I can get my levels checked for free. Do you think I need to?

Pfft. Pfft.

I'm terribly sorry for spitting in your ear there but I had a hair in my mouth. I treated myself to a spa day this morning and with it came a free haircut and facial.

I took advantage of both, by the way. The facial was amazing and made my skin look like a 13-year-old. The haircut caused a few loose hairs and one of them — Pfft. Pfft. — just landed in my mouth and I can't get it out of there.

I hate that feeling, but I'm going to fight through this.

Back to my testosterone level.

Some of you may not be familiar with what testosterone does or if you think you know, you are misinformed.

I went to the Internet — The Source Of All Truth. According to one very accurate website, testosterone is "a steroid hormone from the androgen group and is found in mammals, reptiles, birds and other vertebrates."

Got it? Got it.

In men, testosterone "plays a key role in the development of male reproductive tissues ... as well as promoting secondary sexual characteristics such as increased muscle, bone mass and the growth of body hair."

Hmmm? Let's break that down.

First off, what is "reproductive tissues"?

Speaking of tissues, isn't it hard to find the right kind of tissue anymore?

Whenever I shop for tissues I seem to be completely overwhelmed with all the selections. I must have 20 boxes of tissues beside my bed. Some of too soft. Some too rough. Some have too much aloe vera and some have too much.

Maybe I should take some time and design the perfect tissue. Maybe I will.

Anyway, I do understand hair growth and muscle mass. I have hair growing in places that I don't remember having as a child. Why do I need that much nose hair?

The other day when I went in to have my nails done, there was a lady there who did waxing. She asked me if I have ever had a waxing to get rid of "unwanted hair."

"No. Never," I lied.

Of course, I've waxed before but I'm not going to tell some perfect stranger that. What would my regular waxing girl think? That could cause a lot of trouble for me.

Actually my hair is pretty normal, I guess, especially for a man my age (27).

I do, however, pull the occasional ear hair and, sometimes, when I'm plunking my eyebrows — every Tuesday — I find a wild hair that's about 10 times longer than the rest.

Testosterone at work, I would suspect.

I'm sure testosterone was very important to our ancestors, the cavemen. They must have needed lots of testosterone to build muscle boss so they could fight off animals and other nefarious punks of the prehistoric world.

Reproductive tissues — that sounds important — was probably needed to produce children and other creatures.

Women have testosterone also but men produce ten times more than women do.

Hold on a sec. My scones are almost ready to be taken out of the oven.
(Insert musical interlude here).

Okay, I'm back.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure my testosterone levels are fine. I bet I could hang with just about any of those cavemen in a game of scrabble or reading Harlequin Romance novels.

Oh man, my scones burned. Now what will I take to my Romance Book Club reading tonight?
Maybe I'll just stay in and wax my ears.

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