Wednesday, February 29, 2012

2012: The Year Of ...

Welcome to the last year of the world.

That's right, according to the Mayan calendar, the world will end Dec. 21, 2012.
The Mayans, for those of you who might not know, are a group of people who lived in Iowa in 1912. They were a highly-evolved people who were known for their calendar-making skills and for making a lovely brie.

Brie, for those of you who don't know, is a specialty cheese that cost about the same as an ounce of gold and tastes about the same as an ounce of gold.

I'm just kidding, of course. Gold actually tastes a lot better than brie, especially with the right cracker.

But the Mayan calendar has correctly predicted the world will end this year. I'm not quite sure how they came to that conclusion. I can only assume they went to the Internet — The Source Of All Truth — and saw all the reality television available and said to themselves, "There is no way this civilization is going to make it past 2011, 2012 at the best."

So, since the world is going to come to a glorious end this year, I've made a few goals this year. Since this will be my last goal setting in the history of the world, I'm going to have to set some pretty lofty goals, so bear with me.

Here are the final goals of the world by me, Rodney Hays:

1. Eat healthy — I know this seems kind of weird since the world is going to end and all. Many of you will probably say something to the effect of, "If the world is going to end anyway, I'm going to eat whatever I want and let my body go to the place where the devil lives."

You could say that, but I think it might be a bit early for that.

My plan is to eat healthy and try to stick to my diet up until about November. That is when my birthday will roll around and the holiday season begins. November is usually a time when my diet goes by the wayside anyway and now there's only one month left, I might as well eat a box of Twinkies every day … guilt free.

2. Work out more often — This sort of goes along with No. 1. My plan is to work out at least a little every day right up until November. Then I plan on spending the last two months lying on the couch and watching Meredith Baxter Birney movies on Lifetime.
If the world is going to come to an end, I'm going to try and weigh 400 pounds as I lift off into eternity.

3. Find my style — I'm sick and tired of going clothes shopping only to have to decide what my style is. I've looked at lots of different stores and these are the styles I've contemplated over the past couple of years: 

Hipster — A hipster, as near as I can tell, is a person who likes to wear flannel shirts, skinny jeans, stocking hats pulled to the back of their heads, "birth-control" glasses and, I can only assume, bathes once a year.

Prepster — Being preppy usually means only wearing clothes made by or approved by Ralph Lauren. I could easily go into the store and buy 30 shirts with little men on horses playing a game with a stick and be set for life (or at least a month).
The prepster hairstyle is usually short with a part on the left side of the head, purchased at something called Great Clips.

Gangster — Actually gangster could also include gansta', meaning wearing the same types of clothes as someone with the word "Lil'" in their name. Gangster clothes usually means loose-fitting jeans and supersized t-shirts and very comfortable shoes. This style also will very often include a baseball hat worn askew with the pricing label still in place.

Jockster — Wear anything with the Nike, Adidas or Under Armour logo. This look is accentuated by running shoes, t-shirts and track suit pants.
Old Man-ster — Comfortable shoes, mommy jeans, short-sleeved button-up shirts and white socks.

The choices are endless but I have to choose one this year. This is important.

4. Read a book — The last book I read was "To Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. It was about — and probably still is about — a little girl and a little boy who do something brave in the face of hardships. It's really good.

This year I'm planning on reading another book, hopefully written by a cast member of "Jersey Shore."

5. Vote — This year is one of the most important elections since the last one. In November, we will decide which man will be the leader of the free world for at least two months.
That's why I recommend voting for somebody who will be fun, likes to party, dresses like a hipster and  eats boxes of Twinkies for breakfast.

6. Run for President — Since the new president will actually never be sworn in, you might as well vote for me. My plan is to run on the "truth" platform. That means I plan on saying what is on everybody's mind: "This country is a great country, filled with great people. Many of them are not perfect. Many of them like to have an adult beverage every now and again. Most of them have danced to music by K.C. and the Sunshine Band, George Strait and Lady Gaga. Many of them have done things they wished they hadn't. And many of them have passed gas in the grocery store and moved on to the next aisle before being 'discovered.'"

I approve this message.

7. Mediate more — I've been reading lately a lot of information about meditation or prayer or deep-thinking or whatever you want to call it. I believe meditation is the key to a stress-free, peaceful, open-minded, abundant, loving life.

I want that. The last year of the world should include some stress-free, peaceful, open-minded, abundant love, right?

8. Have more fun — 2011 was one of the best years of my life. It was better than 2010, which was better than 2009, which was better than the year before and so on.
This is the last one ever, so like the Spiderman trilogy, needs to be the best one yet.

9. Try to understand organized religion — Each year, more and more people leave the church here in America. I am one of those.

I didn't grow up in the church, but I spent so much time there since 1983 that I could qualify for an expert. I've seen the best of organized religion and I've seen the worst, heck, I was the worst of it for many of those years. But religion works for some people.

For me, though, I think I'm just going to hang in there this last 12 months and enjoy being spiritual and not necessarily religious.

Mother Meera, a spiritual teacher based in Germany, was once asked if she ever wanted to start her own religion. Here is her response:

"No. The Divine is the sea. All religions are rivers leading to the sea. Some rivers wind a great deal. Why not go to the sea directly?"

I'm with you, sister.

10. Try to see the best in everyone — If we look hard enough, God is in everything and everyone. I only have 12 months to try and perfect that. Thanks, Mayans.
Actually, I don't believe the world is going to end in December. I hope it doesn't. But as the famous philosopher Pit Bull says, "I can’t promise tomorrow / But I promise tonight."

So in the words of Pit Bull, "Grab somebody sexy tell 'em hey."

And enjoy your year, Sexy Readers.

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