Friday, January 21, 2011

In Perspective — It's Not Over Til the Fat Mayan Sings

By Rodney Hays

There's only about 708 days left. That's right, just a little more than 700 days until it starts. No, I'm not talking about another fabulous season premiere of "Jersey Shore," which, of course, is an award-winning reality television program that critics are raving about.

Roto Rooter of says this of "Jersey Shore": "This show should be required viewing for any teenager who thinks they want to have babies." Bob "Smokey" Bergermeister of Smokey's Reality says, "Jersey Shore is the Sweet-n-Low of the television industry: Everybody knows it's fake and there's a good chance it could cause brain damage, but it comes in a such a pretty package."

No, I'm not talking about "Jersey Shore." What I'm talking about is a little more sinister -- if that's even possible. In a little more than 700 days the world will end.

Read that again really slowly. The. World. Will. End.

That, according to a group of people called the Mayans or the Aztecs or the Canadians, is when the world will officially come to an end due to a cataclysmic event like a flood or a giant asteroid hitting the earth. It could also include hail, fire and brimstones or possibly even a law being passed making every living being watch non-stop "American Idol."

Since I try to live in a very positive world, I don't watch a whole lot of television news so I hadn't heard a whole lot about this event. So I did what any red-blooded Iowan would do, I went to the Internet -- The Source Of All Truth.

I went to Google and punched in "Jersey Shore stars." You would be horrified by what I found. Then I did another search for "Mayan end of the world."

According to several references I found in my tireless search (about 10 minutes), the Mayan calendar (sponsored by Otto's Tire Emporium) ends abruptly on Dec. 21, 2012. Get it? The date is 12/21/12.
For those of you who may not know, the Mayans were known for their art, architecture and wicked sense of humor. I'm not sure why we put so much stock in their calendar but evidently they have predicted other events throughout history such as Labor Day, a guy named Hoyt turning 40 and that a person named "Snooki" would one day be the leader of the free world. Sounds like we should probably take notice when their calendar says we are doomed.

Since we only have about two years left, let's put together several things we need to do before the world closes down like a bad bar-b-que joint.

Here's my End-Of-The-World To-Do List:

1. Travel more -- I think we should all take some time out of our busy schedule and see the world before it is gone. Might I suggest you start with some place with lots of character and depth like France, England or Wapanucka, Okla.

2. Party more -- I know a lot of people think it's just wrong to go to a bar or club or lounge or other places of ill-repute, but it might do you some good. It's fun to go out and have an adult beverage, dance a little and hang out with people who are laughing and having fun.

I've always heard a dancing foot and a praying knee don't belong on the same leg, but I've learned since then that is poppycock (Mayan for not true). You only live once and you've only got 700 more days to do it.

3. Hang with friends and family more -- Everybody needs a little social interaction with friends and family. Don't let your job or your hobby or reality television get in the way of spending more time with those you love over these last 700 or so days.

4. See something substantial -- I went to the Texas Rangers first American League Championship game against the New York Yankees in October. The Yankees came back and won that first game, but the Rangers won the series and I was glad I was there for that game. As a matter of fact, I got the chance to travel, party, hang with friends and family and saw something substantial all in one glorious evening.

These are just a few things I offer to you. I'm sure you have your own list. Go out there and live life. We only have 700 more days left of "Jersey Shore."

Wait, maybe this whole end-of-the-world thing isn't so bad after all.

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