Wednesday, August 18, 2010

In Perspective — Some Brave Fall Football Predictions

In Perspective -- A Few Bold Predictions for Fall

By Rodney Hays

It's that time of year. The time to don the pads, sweat like a grown man and drive your opponent to the ground. Of course I'm talking about shopping for school clothes at the mall. But it's also football season and that means it's time for my annual gridiron predictions.

I'm only going to make predictions about college football because college football is -- in my humble but accurate opinion -- my bread and butter. I picked the eventual national champion 16 out of the last 20 years. I had to wait until the season ended in each of those occurrences, but it still wasn't easy. For instance, I predict the 2009 National Champion to be -- drum roll, please -- the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Am I right? Of course.

The preseason polls are out and I know some of the so-called expert out there have Alabama winning it all again this year. To that I say foo-eee. Everyone knows teams that have elephants as a mascot do not repeat as national champions in a year ending in 2010. So I think it's safe to say that won't happen.
Other experts predict Boise State as the national champion this year. Boise State has about as much chance of being the national champion as Reggie Bush's chances of giving the commencement address at next year's USC graduation. Raise your hand if you even find the state of Boise on a map. Some people have told me it's either in Iowa or Rhode Island or Singapore, but I really don't know.

Also teams with blue fields should not be allowed to play football at the college level anyway. I would rather watch Rush Limbaugh debate Al Gore in Speedo bikinis than watch football played on a blue field.

I believe I can also safely rule out Harvard as a national champion. Harvard hasn't won a national championship since 1919 when they won against the New Hampshire School Of Beauty and Bartending.

But I'm not going to waste my time ranking teams. Instead of an actual poll, I'm going to do something much more difficult. I'm going to make five -- count them, five -- bold predictions about this upcoming season. So, here is the official In Perspective Top 5 NCAA Football Predictions.

Prediction Number 5: In honor of Colorado and Nebraska playing their last season in the Big 12, the other six Big 12 South teams will pummel these teams into the ground. This includes Baylor and Texas Tech. I predict the final score of the Baylor vs. Nebraska game to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 93 to -4. The game will be played in the driving rain at Floyd Casey Stadium in front of a crowd of 23 rowdy students calling themselves The Good Ol' Baylor Line. Also Bear quarterback Ned Frenstein will throw for an unprecedented 87 touchdown passes and run for another 62. Nebraska Head Coach Bo Pelini will tell the media after the game, and I quote, "Well, there's always next year when we play the Purdue Boiler Makers, the Iowa Hawkeyes and the New Hampshire School of Beauty and Bartending."

Prediction Number 4: I predict this year's Heisman trophy will go to the nation's top player. I know it's a stretch because in the past it has gone to other players that were not the top football player in the nation. I'm talking about players like Pontificus W. Fairchild, III, who was the famous running back from the 1919 National Champion Harvard Crimson. During his senior campaign, Pontificus ran for an unheard of 23 yards and one touchdown. He was also the team's star punter averaging just a little under 4 yards per punt.

And there's also Tim Tebow.

Prediction No. 3: I predict this year's BCS poll will cause extreme controversy when the first poll comes out and Boise State is ranked No. 2 just ahead of the Detroit Lions. There will be rioting in the streets of Singapore as rabid Boise State fans cry foul for not being ranked No. 1 after huge wins over North Dakota A&M, Western State Methodist University of Kansas and the New Hampshire School of Beauty and Bartending.

On a positive note, Detroit Lions' fans will celebrate the highest the team has been ranked since 1705.

Prediction No. 2: The vuvuzela will drive approximately 12 million football fans nuts this season. You remember the vuvuzela, the annoying noisemaker made famous at this year's World Cup. I predict many Baylor Bear fans will seek psychiatric help after a home game where 92,000 Royal Ambassadors bring vuvuzelas to the game and blow them for approximately 96 hours.
I also predict that at least one Longhorn fan will be spotted leaving a game in Austin with a burnt-orange vuvuzela firmly planted in his "rump roast."

Prediction No. 1: My No. 1 bold prediction only comes with a lot of thought and prayerful consideration. I have gone back and forth on this many times, but I believe this prediction might just be the boldest I've had in my 37 seconds of sports predictions. I have consulted with various experts in sports and furniture sales to come up with this bold prediction.

Without further adieu, here is my No. 1 football prediction for 2010: Brett Favre will decide to finally retire instead of returning for his fifth season as quarterback of the Vikings of the New Hampshire School of Beauty and Bartending. He will cite his surgically repaired ankle and his bum shoulder as the reasons. But those close to Brett tell me it is because he wants to move on and use the degree he earned from this prestigious university.

So, if you're ever in Hattiesburg, Miss. stop in to the local Chili's and tell that grizzled bartender, "hi."

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