Thursday, April 22, 2010

In Perspective - Players the NFL May Be Overlooking

By Rodney Hays

Many college graduates will be leaving school to a tough job market where working at a mall kiosk will be a much sought after position. On the other hand, many college sophomores and juniors will be leaving school to earn millions of dollars and drive around in Cadillac Escalades.

What's the difference? The NFL (also known as the National Association of Football Professionals and People Who Make Millions of Dollars And Shoot Themselves In the Leg At A Bar League).
This week the NFL will hold it's annual draft. Seven rounds of picking players from the college ranks who will have the opportunity to play at the next level before moving on to lucrative careers as movie stars, real estate moguls and contestants on Dancing With The Stars.

In case you haven't been watching, one of the most exciting things on television over the past few days is NOT American Idol -- as some of you may have guessed. No, the most exciting thing on television is the 24-hour coverage of "mock" NFL drafts. Mock drafts are put together by football experts who have years of experience as professional nerds. Many of these experts have spent the last 12 months looking at tape of college football athletes, reading stats for college football games and watching Chad Ocho-Cinco on Dancing With the Stars.
But now the work is almost done. The mock drafts are almost complete. Soon, the world will know who will be the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft. And before we know it, it will be football season and somebody will get arrested for showing up at a bar and demanding a case of Smirnoff Ice.

Until then, we have time for one more mock draft. And that draft can only come from the NFL expert that everyone else has chosen to ignore this year: Me.

ESPN hasn't called. The NFL Network has completely ignored my numerous e-mails. And Dancing With the Stars has requested a restraining order against me, which I thought was a slight overreaction.

I am somewhat of a football guru. One of the reasons my mock draft makes sense is because I actually played the game of football. While Mel Kiper was growing up playing reading books and studying and doing crazy things like, and I quote, "getting good grades," I was playing football.

I have pictures of me as a little kid in a football uniform. Everywhere I went I carried a football. I was the star of my second-grade tackle football team where in one game I recovered a fumble, made a block and drank Gatorade without spilling any on my jersey. In high school, I held the record for most times yelling at Craig Baker to "get up and stop crawling back to the huddle."

After a successful 27-year career in the lesser-known BFL (Bearden (Oklahoma) Football League), I retired to become a full-time humor columnists and a part-time mock draft creator.
I said all of that to say, "You can trust me with your mock draft. I'm an expert."

So, here are my Top 3 2010 NFL Draft picks.

1. St. Louis Rams - Many people are expecting the Rams to pick Sam Bradford, former University of Oklahoma quarterback, or Ndamukong Suh, the massive defensive lineman from Nebraska. Unfortunately, all mock drafts are wrong. I believe the Rams will take an often-overlooked quarterback from one of the smaller conferences.
In the first round, the St. Louis Rams will pick Terry Don Hammockmaker, a quarterback from the Wetumka Institute of Technology and Beauty in Wetumka, Oklahoma. Hammockmaker was a threat to run or pass this past season, where he threw for 10,561 yards and rushed for 15,939 to lead the Carpet Layers to an undefeated season, including a 108-3 bashing of the Tishomingo A&M Noodlers in the Dust Bowl in Okemah, Okla. I also predict that Hammockmaker will go on to a solid NFL career before retiring to his farm and ranch in downtown Bearden, where he will raise cattle, sheep and show guineas.

2. Detroit Lions - Again, this may surprise a few people, but the Lions will probably no go with one of the popular Big 12 picks. After many dismal seasons, the Lions will be ready to break out and put Detroit back on the map (many people now believe Detroit is actually in Saudi Arabia).
In the first round of the 2010 NFL Mock Draft, the Detroit Lions will pick William Butch "Hambone" Morphis, a lineman from the Iowa Institute of Art and Prisons. Morphis didn't even start playing football until he was in college. At Des Moines Alternative High School, Morphis specialized in non-sports activities such as hunting, fishing and making license plates. He was discovered while working as a valet at the Prairieburg, Iowa Golden Corral, where he "parked" Ford F-350 on top of each other by lifting them in the air.

3. Tampa Buccaneers -- I predict the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will actually trade their first-round pick to the Dallas Cowboys for Tony Romo, "Rowdy" the Mascot and Jessica Simpson. With that pick, the Cowboys will take Kate Gosselin, who has recently been cut from Dancing With The Stars.

I hope that helps you put together your 2010 NFL Draft Bracket. And if you have need of my deep football knowledge, contact me through the media department at the University of Twinkies and Tostados in Luling, Texas.

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