Monday, September 14, 2009

2009 Techie Talk in a 1989 World

I was wondering the other day “What if?”
What if we could go back in time to 1989 and talk to ourselves in tech-speak from 2009 or maybe just using jargon that we (“we” meaning kids, rap stars and the women from The View) use today? Would that be funny? I think it would.
It would probably go something like this:
2009 Me (to 1989 Me): Dude, I haven't seen you in like a minute.
For those of you who may not know a “minute” in the 2009 vernacular actually is sort of a misnomer . Instead of meaning an actual 60-second bit of time, today the word “minute” actually means a long – sometimes extremely long – bit of time. So, when I would say … oh, never mind. You get it, right?
Back in 1989, I was a 20-something up-and-comer with nothing but blue skies and a bright future ahead of me. Somewhere along the way, however, a “cold front” (I'm using metaphor, here) blew in and rained on my parade and my future, so I become a humor columnist instead.
But I digress.
The 1989 Me would probably respond thusly:
1989 Me: I'm not sure I've seen you at all. I mean, somehow you look familiar to me, but I'm afraid I don't know anybody with that much gray hair and wrinkles. You look sort of like Colonel Sanders of the Kentucky Fried Chicken chain.
2009 Me: You mean, Colonel Sanders of the KFC chicken chain?
1989 Me (rather curtly): No.
You see a lot of things have changed in the last 20 years. Our vocabulary has a way of keeping up, but it's fun to sometimes have the conversations with the old you, just to see how you would respond.
The conversation continues.
2009 Me: I was about to drop you an e-mail the other day when I was sitting at the Starbucks with my new Mac Book open in front of me.
1989 Me: A who-do-whaty-hooty-how?
2009 Me: Yeah, dude. I was sitting at Starbucks with a tall Carmel Lite Frappucino in front of me and was about to shoot off an e-mail to you to find out how you were doing and what's been crackalatin' in your life. Then I got on my Facebook and I looked you up to see if you had a 1989 page, because I was going to give you a poke or sign your wall. Then I was going to invite you to look at all my new photos in my album called, “Me.”
1989 Me: A poke? My wall? You are really scaring me. I'm about to walk over to that pay phone over there, deposit 25 cents and dial 9-1-1 and get the police department out here.
2009 Me: No, dude. It's me. I mean I'm you. I mean you're me. I'm visiting you from the year 2009 in the future. LOL.
1989 Me: You are me? You are me from 2009? LOL?
2009 Me: Laughing Out Loud, dude.
1989 Me: Whatever. You mean the world makes it to 2009?
2009 Me: Yes, man. Of course the world makes it to 2009. LOL
1989 Me: Please stop that. But California is under water by now, surely. And how about that acid rain problem? It isn't destroying crops and causing all of our Poison cassettes to disintegrate?
2009 Me: Dude, I forgot I even owned a Poison cassette. (Sigh). But no, none of that stuff happened. Today we're more worried about Global Warming and cyber-stalking and identity theft.
1989 Me: I don't understand.
2009 Me: Let me sort of get you up to speed. In the 1990s, a guy named Al Gore …
1989 Me: You mean Tipper's husband?
2009 Me: Yeah, that one. Anyone in the 1990s, Gore invented the Internet – The Source of All Truth.
1989 Me: The Internet? The Source of All Truth?
2009 Me: Yeah, he invented it all and it made the world a much better place and everything on there is the truth. You can shop on-line, you can find a mate on-line, you can get news on all your favorite celebrities like Britany Spears and Tom Cruise's kid. You can blog. You can rant. You can post pictures of yourself. You can network. Now you can even send out Tweets on Twitter.
1989 Me: Okay, outside of the words “Tom Cruise” I have no idea what you're talking about.
2009 Me: That's what I'm trying to tell you. The days of rotary phones and analog television and working in a stuffy office instead of Starbucks and shopping for clothes at a mall is a thing of the past. Leaving the house is so … well … 1989.
1989 Me: So you never leave your … I mean … my house?
2009 Me: Nope, everything you need – from Chinese food to a classic 1984 REO Speeadwagon Tour shirt – can be delivered right to your house.
1989 Me: What do people do for fun? And exercise? And communicating with other human beings?
2009 Me: Surf the Net. They don't. And did I mention Twitter?
1989 Me: So in 20 years I'm going to be fat, extremely pale and without friends that I can actually see and feel?
2009 Me: Yeah! Isn't that great? LOL.
1989 Me: Uh … maybe I'll just stick with my “antiques” like my Poison cassette collection, my real human friends and my original 1984 REO Speedwagon Tour shirt. LQTM (Laughing Quietly To Myself).

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